Duck on a pond

In leaving Rhode Island, I took the train to Boston with flailing, one last adventure. In just a few hours we met up with déjà vu and were on our way to his place to drop our stuff. He looked different, still the same though, his beard had been neatly trimmed and he was much thinner than I remembered. The three of us took off to Sam Adams Brewery for a tour and free beer. 

The city, full of so many people didn’t bother me at first, I felt more comfortable around all the strangers than I thought I would. I had become accustomed to foreign and being out of place.  That was home, a certain amount of uncomfortableness and displacement. As we walked the city for a while, I hardly noticed the people on the streets.  The afternoon would die down and blend into the night. On our way to the airport, I received a phone call from a prospective job opportunity as we dropped off Flailing. Our goodbye was quick and clean. 

I still had Déjà Vu, just the two of us left. We went back to his place and I met the rest of his roommates before falling asleep on the couch. Just like that I was back in Hecht swing of things when the alarm woke us at six in the morning. I was on my way to the bus station and it felt like I was prepping for a twenty plus mile day. Saying good bye I headed for the terminal and rode the bus back to Delaware. Nine hours later I was back in another city. 

Kim came to pick me up and she was excited, I was over whelmed and trying to keep from stressing out. I did not want to be back in that state and there was no way to explain it. I had no where to stay and so much to do.  My first few days, already planned, allowed for no space of my own. Dinner with my sister and back to Kim’s. I wouldn’t sleep well again, getting only a few hours. 

My first day back was so overwhelming, I couldn’t go through my fear and stuff because I was unsure of who’s was what. Her room so cluttered with her pottery, for the up coming show, left no space to breathe. I felt suffocated and trapped in her room. With no means of escaping I did all that I could to get ready for the scout meeting that night.   By the evening I was on my way to my scouts to speak about the AT and see them all.

As fun as it was to see them, my scoutmaster caught me in my thousand yard stare. I was elsewhere, maybe back in the trail, maybe lost in space, I was a million miles away while I waited to speak. Coming back to that town was something I hadn’t expected and I wasn’t sure how I would feel coming back. As I talked to everyone, I found more and more people followed my journey on the trail. I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and connection with them. Alll those miles I had climbed, hiked, suffered through alone, they were with me, praying, hoping and cheering me on.  On my side is was alone, but the truth is they were all with me the entire time.  I just didn’t know it then.

All my time home has been spent looking for work. With some good leads out west, it looked hopefull that I’d have a job by the end of November.  Some prospects in Alaska, Utah, Colorado and Wyoming, all looking to hopefully own out. With the only thing on my mind, unable to solve on my own, I find myself stressed out and agitated. As the hours would go by, the stress would subside, knowing something will pan out. Instead feelings of loneliness would take over, spending six months in almost solitude I never felt as lonely as I did when I was back in Delware.  

I am reminded of an old adage from long ago, duck on a pond. I was a duck on a pond.  When you think of that image you see the crystalline water, so flat and calm it looks like glass.  Teg trees so still tend motionless, calming your mind.  The duck just floating there, at peace with everything, not a care in the world. The whole image brings feelings of peace, serenity, and calmness.  You see that’s what is on the surface, that is not the reality of the situation. What you don’t see is the important part, under the water the duck is kicking and paddling with all his heart to stay afloat, doing everything it can to keep from sinking into the cold water below. 

Duck on a pond, I was surrounded by friends and the few family I had and I felt totally alone, lost and out of place. The trail called to me, Earthling and Flailing called to me, I felt pulled in every direction. With no answered to the questions I was inundated with, I felt overwhelmed and primal. Where would I go? What would I do?  How would I get there?  I had no clue.

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